Carlos River's Black Box - Volume One 

Carloss Black Box 

by

L. A. Banks

Why cant a woman just accept that, when a man says hes got a lot on his mind, hes got a lot on his mind? Theres so much jacking with my head right now, sometimes it feels like itll explode.

Lopez died on my watch, because of me. My mom grandmomI dont even want to think about it, much less talk about it. Everybody, just like my brother and all my boyz, are gone. Damali wants me to talk about it to get it all out, but truthfully, what is there to say? Women just dont understand. Who is she now, Dr. Phil? You dont get over no shit like this, you just learn to exist with it and go on to survive, ask any vet. Rider hit the nail on the head. He knows. Hes been there. Much respect to the older brother for finally just telling D that so shed back off.

The thing thats eating me up from the inside out is, I never did get that bastard, The Chairman, like I wanted to, or got a chance to cut out Liliths heart. It wasnt a clean kill, like Nuit. Left unfinished business. Damali got in the middle of that shit and cut a deal. Im trying to resolve myself to that. 

She has no idea theres a lot of shit Ive had to let go. Never had that little conversation that I needed to have with Jose. Ill let that rest in peace for the moment, though, cause the mans got issues of his own. But I still dont like how he looks at my woman sometimes. 

Been telling myself to squash it; we dont need the team dissention right now. Not when things are raggedy. My boy Yonnie is all hooked up with Tarathats their business, but half of me is like, cool. Good for you, man. I can dig it, understand where you was at. I woulda done no less, and would have taken the sister to V-Point and fed, too. But by the same token, Rider he and I are brothers.

Everybody thinks they know how Rider feels. Sheeit, they dont know the half of it. I made Yonnie, he elevated Tara, and then Tara nicked Rider so hard the brother turned. I can feel that shit. Everything Rider is linked to, Im linked to, stilland dont know why. The Light didnt burn it away. Every time the Master I made feeds, I can feel it. Every time he takes Tara to V-Point, I can feel it so can her ex, Rider and I can feel his agony in just knowing whats going down. Just like I can feel Joses burn worse than ever now. I finally saw the fucking dream Lilith sent him on the plane. But some things you just gotta let go. Ive gotta find that foul bitch and take her head off to clean my mental palate before my head blows up, and way before one day, when Im tired of the madness, I step to Jose. I cant rightfully go there, because in all honesty, how can I blame a line blood-brother for feining on Damali, especially when a succubus added topspin to the mix?

In the old days, I would have, though. I suppose thats growth in The Light. Whatever. Cant roll like that, so Im told, as a Neteru. Im trying to heed Shabazzs advice, take the high road, and get some knowledge. But Im so damned frustrated, people have no idea.

The thing thats messing with me, too, added on top of everything else Ive gotta be worried about, is Damali is acting funny. Whats up with that? 

Then again, truth be told, I aint felt like getting with her, either. That worries me. I keep telling myself that itll pass. Ill get over it. Ill be able to squash that madness that went down between us in Philly but she called me a punk in front of the team. Hell no, I still aint right with that!

But Ive got more important things on my mind than dealing with her female drama, namely, I need to get my power right. Gotta get my resources realigned. Gotta be ready for when The Chairman comes at us againno, correction, I have to get my shit straight and then take it to him. Right now, with his crazy ex, Lilith, on the loose and him out there somewhere, I know its just a matter of time, and were sitting ducks. Damali needs to get with the fact that, weve kicked up the dust on Level Seven. What about that aint clear?

Ive got a lot on my mind.

Not to mention, weve got all these unseasoned new soldiers to get ready. Bobby dont know nothin about a ride or die imperative. Krissy oh, shit. And if Marjorie is in a firefight, shell be the first to go. 

Inez, though, girlfriend can hang. That sister keeps me laughing just thinking about the expression that must have been on Mikes face when she pulled a switchblade out of her purse and slashed an Amanthra in the subway. Probably saved his life with split-second timing. Straight gangsta. She didnt even have to think about it, didnt have time tojust reacted all-warrior. 

The difference is, Inez is a mother from around the way, and was going out swinging just to be sure she could get back to her baby. Much respect. She, I aint worried about, and I can see why Inez and Damali are tight. I can also see why shes got Big Mike all messed up jonesing for hergirlfriend is right up his alley with her big butt self, and can cook on top of that.

But, Juanita damn. Talk about putting a brother between a rock and a hard place. Damali has got to chill. I may never get in Joses world about the things on his mind, but a conversation with Juanita is something that does have to happen one day soon.

I need to sit down with Nita, talk to her, and make her understand that its over. Period. We had some good times; I appreciate all she did for my peeps. Her brother and me was soldiers in the same war, so to speak, and she was always a good woman but it aint like that no more. Hasnt been for a long time. Wont be again. Which is the only reason I aint up in Joses face. Im linked to him, too. Can feel his conflict. I guess if I was in his position, Id feel the same way. However, there remains a line that he needs to recognize.

I just wish Juanita would go on back to him, be his woman, would chill, and would take the edge off his soul. That way, everything could stay peace between me and him. Girlfriend needs to stop playing with his head like shes doing, though. Why do women play games like that? 

Dont she know that she aint making me jealous; shes making me tired? Plus, by her acting like this, all shes doing is prolonging the inevitable making it harder for Damali to ease up and let me sit down and talk to her. Then, I get caught with the residue, like coming down from a bad high. 

Every time Jose mentally crashes, I feel it. Just like when Rider crashes, I feel it. Line blood brothers always feel each others shit. Then when Damalis salty, I have to contend with it. When Juanita gets all horny and tries to leave little hints, I dont just feel it, I smell it on her, just like Jose does, and I know that just makes Rider remember a female in heat that he cant havewhich causes a crazy loop like bad amplifier feedback that shatters everybodys nerves. 

There are days when the pheromones are so thick in the air, between all the women who are on rations, the nosesme, Rider, and Jose, are done. We literally have to go outside sometimes behind it all. Rider is trying to deaden his sensory with Marlboros and Jack Daniels; I know where hes at. But Jose aint got those kinda vices, and the poor brother suffers so bad there are nights hes got tears in his eyesthose are the nights I definitely have to go find something to do before I rip his heart out. Most the time, the tactical brothers cant even pick up a cup of coffee without arcing a shock. Then when the females start arguing, or worse, when they drop their voices and speak all soft when theyre in the mood, Mike gotta go to the bar to keep his head right. Most times, me and Rider go with him. The young bucks have no suave at all aint smooth and practically slobber on themselves. None of the old heads can even watch it, least of all me.

Too much testosterone and estrogen in the same space. Is The Light trying to be funny? Is this some kinda test? Im saying! Why it gotta be all this? Its only getting worse, too, from what I can tell. 

I aint trying to be selfish, but half the time I cant pull myself up to even smile, the brothers Im directly linked to are so damned depressed. Then, the thing that I dont even want to think about happens Shit, because neither one of them can get off with the woman they love down to their cores, I cant really seem to get my flow happening right. That aint EVEN me! I have got to stop trippin. 

But while Im sitting here nursing a beer, I cant stop thinking about how when I go to step to Damali, move in on a romantic vibe, all this sludge like a thick, black cloud of smoke gets in my way. My mind gets divided, when I should be single focused and rocking her world. Cant halfway bust a decent nut, behind all this bullshit, and its pissing me off along with so many other things.

My nerves are bad. A brother is stressed. The team is raggedy for a motherfucker. My powers are slow to take root. We aint got a decent fortress and the plan is to move into some raggedy old house in Arizona? Thats insane! All of us? I aint feeling NONE of this. Then The Vatican calls Father Pat and crew back to headquarters for some urgent summit that he aint even discussing. 

Awight. I can dig it. They lost one of their own, and I can only imagine thered be repercussions. I wish I could turned back the hands of time to spare that young brother my deepest prayer is that he went into The Light. I cant feel him from my old life, so maybe God heard that prayer? But thats also working my nerves, because as a Neteru, I should have felt him pass up and out of this plane and into the next realms above us. I didnt, though. Maybe thats just because all my senses are off, are coming in slow. Who knows?

All I do know is thisI hate living like this. I was never one to live in a state of vulnerability for long. That aint NEVER been me. 

Bazz says be patient. Yeah, right. But hes schooling me blind hed better watch his own backKamal aint no joke, and is gunnin hard for Marlene. Then again, it aint my place to cause speculation or to stir the pot between folks whove been together longer than Ive been alive. The man is grown, can handle his bizness as he sees fit. Still thats also my brother. We tight. I dont like it. But it aint for me to step to Kamal. Thats something between men, between him, his competition, and his woman to resolve. I aint in it although I am seriously concerned, and I know my brother aint thinking clearly, aint focused on training these newbies like he should be. I cant blame him; if the same situation was going down with me, I wouldnt be focused, either.

Thats the whole issueaint nobody focused on the primary issues at hand. Were all trippin, in one way or another. I have to pull up outta that. Its a negative spiral. Somebody has to be on point. Somebody has to have their eyes on a strategy. Right now, I guess, that somebody has to be me.

So, hell no, I cant get all wrapped up in no unnecessary madness. The drama has to wait. Whatever is wrong with me and Damali will have to wait. Maybe thats where her head is, too? But it bleeds me out, just knowing that the girl has this impenetrable black spot in her head these days. Where did that come from?

Baby girl was always wide open for me would always let me see right down to her core. That was the most beautiful thing about her. Thats what I loved to touch with my mind when I was with her just caress that pure essence of who she is. It filed me up, took me places that even I didnt know I could go. She has no idea how much that shit hurts, watching that steel cage drop behind her eyes when I go to kiss her. 

It is what it is. Maybe, like all this other shit, itll pass one day maybe one night. I keep hoping that one night, when its just me and her, and her gorgeous eyes are staring back at me, Ill see her silver, will see all her colors swirling will hear her the way I used to. Fuck a condom, too. Shes got me going there, like Im some brother she just met. I dont understand it. Didnt the Queens give her some sorta protection that didnt require all that? Why all of a sudden Hey, I cant even begin to try to work through that questionbecause then I know me well enough to know that, Ill get suspicious, will start digging into things I probably oughta let alone. The one thing Ive lived long enough to learn is, never ask a question that you dont wanna know the answer to.

For now, Ill accept her explanation that the Queens healing and protection was temporary, and she isnt sure to what extent it will last. All right. Makes sense. One thing for sure, though, I know neither one of us is ready for a baby with all this drama going on. Much as I want to get her pregnant, not under these circumstances. Besides, she aint wrong about the fact that, my silver hasnt burned since we were together in New York Im not even sure it came on when we was in Philly. 

Shed pissed me off so bad, then. I still get mad just thinking about it. Never thought D would take me there, and never in my wildest dreams ever thought Id do her outside a warehouse like thatpissed the fuck off. Blind rage while with her? 

Damn. Whats happening to us, to this family to this team? Something definitely aint right, and I cant put my finger on it and theres nobody to talk to. The issues are just too deep and too personal to discuss.

Only thing to do right through here is, keep my eyes open, stay sharp, be observant, get a strategy on lock, get us somewhere that has a solid prayer barrier that my boy, Yonnie, and his woman can cross in an emergency, and train the young bucks gain knowledge say a prayer at night, and hope Im wrong about it all.

Knowing that, I have to go along with moving into the house. I hate not having options. Call me suspicious, but I feel like were all about to get played. I have to stop thinking about all of this, stop going into my own head so deep any more. 

Doesnt Damali know how much I love her? Shes my wife. Not being to sync with her righteous is tearing me up. Its wearing me out. That woman is my heart, my soul, is the flesh of my flesh but I aint gonna ever let her see me hesitate in battle again. She dont even have to worry about seeing me weep in her arms again, no matter how good it is, because I will never have her call me a punk to my face again. In fact, no more entries into my little black box for now. Im done. I cool. Im over it. Everything is smooth. 

All I need is another beer. 